All of my life, I have questioned the relationships I formed and nothing has changed, I still have dubious relationships.
I have never considered myself someone who is anywhere near a good friend. Instead, I feel like a failure most time. I’m never sure of whether I’m doing the right thing and am often sure that I am in the wrong. My communication skills are wanting. My upbringing is the basis of my lacking of understanding and I thought I had learned better.
However, I remain unsettled in the society like a newborn.
How can I distinguish what is good and what is bad if all seem like dubious relationships?
I hesitate to make connections, forging them as one does or watering them because I have only ever had bad experiences. And for a long time, I was afraid of getting hurt.
But then I fell so deep down that the light from others seemed like the only thing that would let me escape my predicament. Unfortunately, I remained the shadow in this bright world. Once again, I am lost in the dark which is my only friend.
I learned early on to not trust anyone, not even myself.
As a child, growing up with the uncertainty of the connections I make not only affected my ‘today’ but the rest of my life has been put into question. Grade school was a confusing time to navigate. High school was even more treacherous for me who couldn’t read people’s expressions. I struggled to mimic people.
I had no idea that that wasn’t a typical thing. After all, the adults to shaped my life all demonstrated similar traits.
However, I think my mom’s a mild pathological liar and my dad’s side of the family has a history of mental health problems. My brother thinks dad’s on the spectrum. But none of us are doctors despite personally checking off all the glowing boxes. Still, I do believe there’s something there because I can’t accept simply learning something that impedes me. It cannot be just so… because if I can simply unlearn it, how, after all these years, have I still not smoothened out the dents I’ve always had since I first started to form memories?
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