the stress is real

Photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

I’m buried with work I’d already done before and the stress is real. This at least in part is due to October inching in.

October (Inktober) has been a pain to think about alongside fixing my website and debating about what to do next with my broken hard drive. If you didn’t know about this, feel free to check out my lengthy post on Patreon: A Heated Summer I’m still wondering about alternative storage options which are is just the one, Cloud Storage.

Also check out: All Is Not Well

I can’t for the life of me figure out which one I’m leaning towards for the moment. A part of me believes that having both physical and digital storage is the best way to go but to be completely frank, I don’t have the luxury to be using both. This broke dropout striving to be an entrepreneur is struggling. There’s so much backing up to go through that it’s simply not simple.

There I go again with non-simplicity. Such is life.

Really, such is life.

But I’m not complaining. As far as bad luck goes, I’ve actually gotten out of this relatively well. It could’ve been worse… I believe. I choose to believe.

Things can always go for the worse.

Take for example my recent trip to the beach.
this be one of my best friends.

I’d been looking forward to this outing with my friends and we’d planned it out (not even close to a T but good enough).

I say so because we forgot to bring a shovel to clean out the pit we used. We were ill-prepared when it came to savory food but count on us to have the sweets.

Yum!

Anyway, we ended up cleaning the pit through wit and a bit of hoarding courtesy of my friend’s boyfriend. (Hoarding is an exaggeration of course but wit is definitely precise.) While we attempted to empty the pit of previous beachgoers’ charcoal and sand, a sudden gust of wind picked up.

I mean that literally. The gust of wind picked up a relatively large tent adjacent to us and proceeded to thrust it towards said boyfriend and me. Did it hit him- on the head? It hit me, on the leg. Then continued to fly off over the wood fence separating the parking lot and the beach.

It was funny.

Funny enough that it took me quite a long second to realize I’d been scratched. Maybe it was grazed since I didn’t notice.

Either way, I was hit. I bled in micro-amounts. I retained micro-cuts that hurt like papercuts. You know what I mean. Annoying pain. It was just a scratch, I thought. It was just a scratch until I had to clean it until the pain traveled throughout my leg that night.

The stress is real here too.

I have to redress the wound for a week or until the micro-cuts scab over which they haven’t.

And as annoying as this was, it could’ve been worse.

I think the suckiest part of this all is that we never even got an apology of any kind. Yes, the wind was strong but only their tent flew. I think the lack of care is saddening. It’s almost equal to the annoying contact allergy I get from medical tape. Almost.

But we move on.

We move on because the apology never came and expecting it now would be unreasonable. We would never consciously meet them again. Besides, the tape is itchy and I have better things to do than wait.

Which is why making a decision on storage should be done soon.

My art can’t wait anymore.

I’m ready to continue.

all is not well

photography by victoria goda

Maybe you’ve read my post on my Patreon Page or you’ve seen the status of my Facebook Page. Either way, I’m here to say that all is so very not well. Technology failed me again is a story I never wanted to repeat.

The files I thought were safely tucked in the folders of my drive are gone. So to speak. They’re inaccessible at best. Due to my drive becoming RAW or partitions no longer being read or whatever terminology you’d like to use, my files are not with me. I can’t use them. They remain tucked away.

So, the site has had an even bigger overhaul than I first anticipated.

And let you and me be honest. I balled. I cried so hard the night I found out, I almost thought there was nothing else for me.

It was a devastating blow to an already beaten resolve.

This is where depression would come in grinning from ear to ear…

…if I had let it come in.

Surprising my friends and especially myself, I was able to rise from the tears and sadness of losing my original artworks (mostly recent 2019 pieces). I was okay. For reasons I’m still quite baffled by, I was able to talk myself through the issue of loss.

The five steps of grief.

Often I will go through the all familiar steps of grief-

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

And the elusive 6th step: Meaning.

It’s so very easy to go through the first four steps, easy to lose ourselves to the dragging negative emotions. I was there, for sure and I thought maybe my USB hub was just misreading my drive. I even tried to ask others to read the drive on their computer. When the disbelief settled, I got angry. Most of it to myself.

I was never one to make backups but I did believe the files in my website would be a suffice back up of my art. The funny thing is, this isn’t the first or second time that technology failed me. I’ve seen the deadly blue screen on my laptop more times than I’d like. Even a hard drive breaking wasn’t new but at least not to this extent.

Fate had other plans as you all know.

And like most cases, I tried bargaining with my beliefs. Through talking out loud and between tears, I went from bargaining to depression to acceptance in mere hours.

I knew I equated the loss of my art with loss of identity which was not true as I am more than my art. I am the creator of them and therefore I can always recreate what I had lost.

Knowing my greater importance set the balance right once more.

I am worth the forgiveness I give myself and the effort I spend improving my skills as an artist and a writer. The words to my posts may be forever lost or my art pieces locked away but I am still the illustrator and writer that I was before this all happened- maybe even more.

pardon my eraser shavings

photograph by Lina Kivaka

June Sketches is currently under construction.

Hey dearies, the gallery and blog posts are currently inaccessible. Due to a sudden site crash, many of my posts were lost into the abyss of 0s and 1s. Thankfully my photographs and paintings are safe and sound in my drive.

For the beginning of September, I will be reconstructing my site. In the meantime, feel free to find me on Instagram or my Patreon Page.

A complete overhaul is in session.

I can’t wait for the finish product!