the year that ended | goodbye 2022, I won’t miss you

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It is the end of 2022 and here is my send-off.

This year came and went like a hurricane. I got sick… plenty of times. I won’t miss those moments. People passed away and I understood death less and less. There were things that occurred and things that didn’t. I made mistakes… plenty of them. I don’t look forward to fixing them.

Every day, I hesitate to continue this life but struggle to end it.

When a new year comes, it’s another time for me to regret the pace of my life.

I’m on my chosen path, but struggle to walk on it.

Ever feel like you’ve seen that tree once before? Or maybe walked through that same fork in the road? I’ve been like this for the last five years. When I think of my destination and the journey I’ve been on, I can’t help but be disappointed. It’s not as simple as “where I am is where I want to be” rather, it’s more of “where I am is where I’ve been before”. Forget the ending, I’ve been running around in circles.

How can my life feel like an endless loop without the loop? It feels more and more like running on a treadmill and pretending I’m getting anywhere.

I’m getting sick of the same scenery.

The worst of it all is that I also can’t be bothered to look for a different view. I want to see something new, but I also don’t. Apart from that, I also have fears that hold me back. It’s as if stacking all the odds against myself.

I am ripping myself apart.

And if I learned anything before the end of 2022…

And if I learned anything before the end of 2022, it is that I don’t feel thankful for life.

Unfortunately, any attempts at attachments fall short and I am left wanting, wanting for something that would hold on to me. I yearn to give my life meaning, purpose, or an anchor. Anything would do as long as it’s a reason to keep me.

More and more each day, I wonder if ‘today’ is worth it. I know that if I wasn’t a coward, I could go. If I was brave, I would stay.