The Days Go On | focused elsewhere | a diary

woman walking on the grass

The days go on, but I am still.

July 12. 12.38PM

I’m kind of in a lull where working on anything takes a lot of push. It’s supposed to get easier; that’s what I’ve been told. However, the struggle to work on anything is too taxing. I’ve found myself retreating into my safe space more times than I can count. Because of this, I’ve started to formulate a new story that reflects my current state of mind.

There’s no title and the concept is still a blur, but I know that there’s a really good story to be told there.

I really want to continue developing it despite needing to do other work like focusing on Book 2 for Age of Sirene. I’ve also been doing relatively well on Instagram which tells me that this is the chance to take hold.

Focus or working with intention slips away since I started taking an anti-depressant. The pieces of me feel like someone else and I can’t grab hold of what’s me and what isn’t. I’m constantly wondering if I’ll get better. So, I start to think about the story I want to write depicting my problems today.

Most days I just want to sleep, want to disappear, and blend in the walls. I want to become invisible to everything and everyone.

There are days when I feel empty.

Staring out at a wall, the courtyard of our townhome, and just in the abyss in my mind, these are the ways my days are spent. Often, I will read a lot to fill in the void in my mind. I’m not certain how to live this life as I am. More and more, I feel disconnected from life, my life. Every day confirms how I have no care for what happens to it. It’s supposed to be scary when such things run through one’s mind. And I do feel that it should be what I feel.

However, that isn’t my case.

The days go on; I write, read, draw, eat, and sleep. I’ll converse with people, telling them my version of my truth.

There exists in this world a person who cannot feel.

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