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It’s my goal to be able to reboot like a computer that’s met the blue screen of death (though nowadays, a computer will just shut down to save itself). In either sense, I am there.

Before the year 2020 ended, I fell into an abyss I couldn’t quite climb out of. Even now, I am still in that hole. Rather than recalling events dating back to October, I would much rather put them all behind me. I think it would be better to not dwell on the past as I have been living this past 5 and a half years. Then again, it’s easier said than done.

October is both an unlucky and auspicious month. It’s the month I dropped out of college. It’s the month I decided to look for a way to restart my life. It is a time to start, but it’s also been a time when I ended things. In more words than I’ve already reiterated, October is both good and bad.

Back when I was 23 almost 24, I didn’t have a plan before dropping out. I concluded it was better to go without one. My life prior had been about following what others expected of me, a set course created by me to cater to others. Meeting expectations as best as one could. So, this time around, I would set sail without a map and leave presumptions behind.

Thinking of it now, maybe I jumped the gun.

my most recent self is skeptical. thanks.

Maybe, I forced myself to find an answer in a world of questions.

They say, “not all who wander are lost”, but I didn’t let myself wander long enough.

I’ve been about the journey since I started blogging my depression. It was aimless for the most part until I decided I would remain as an artist. They say God gives us talents and if we don’t use them, we lose them. I guess, I didn’t want to lose the one thing I was certain about.

But I was always left wondering, what am I passionate about?

What is one thing I couldn’t do without?

I have a plan yet I don’t have one either. There is a way to get it, I know. I have a lot of fears; they deter me at every turn. I understand the difficulties and obstacles I must get through. Though these facts are clear to me, the path remains unclear.

I’m not as young as I used to be.

23 was a long ago time.

The fears— they grow ever bigger and they loom over me but I do not fear the rain. I fear the cold. I fear the wet clothes that may take forever to dry. The aftermath of the rain is far scarier. I may fear the unknown more than I used to. The sense of adventure long ago has not existed in my heart. But that is a lie.

Even more now, now at a time when the adventure is limited, I wish to see the world. I am confined by four white walls unable to smell the sweet scent of trees.

I have many wishes buried deep within.

And so, no matter how many blue screens or forced shutdowns come my way, I wish I may always have the ability to reboot.

1 Comment

  1. […] impression that things would fall into place now that I’ve settled on my meaning of passion. Writing to me is a passion whereas drawing is a talent I honed. This was my truth I recently accepted after turning a year older. It was also a truth I was both […]

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