I thought I would finally write about that thing called the wall of suck or better known as self-sabotage (which I feel for me is an inevitable occurrence). It just happens.
And I have to problem-solve my way out of my own complicatedly weaved web of part laziness and partly overwhelmed.
Warning. This post can be triggering and contains close-to vivid descriptions of my personal struggles with depression.
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The Wall of Suck, otherwise known as self-sabotage
I first heard the terminology from my brother sometime last year while he tried to remedy some personal matters. (I forget where he’d heard it from so, I do apologize for not having a source for that.) It got me thinking though, why did it sound so familiar?
At some point during my journey to self-healing, I came across the idea of ‘the wall of suck’ when I was reading about depression. One of the things I had to familiarize myself with is the idea that my depression could be self-inflicted. Over the course of the years, I’ve come to learn that interweaved with my childhood scars and my inability to function like every other adult was this fear I instilled myself.
It’s not that strange to hear that ‘you’ could be your worst enemy. Everyone says that to quell the negativity oozing out of their own mouths towards their own passions, creations, and such.
Self-loath and self-criticism were not new to me but somehow, the thought of self-sabotage was.
The wall of suck is a metaphorical wall manifested in a person’s mind. It is essentially a large blockade that is preventing the said person from surpassing certain things. Then said person is forced to continuously be in this loop of self-brought on misfortune. For me, it was basically a fancy way of saying self-sabotage.
Around July of last year, this was when I came to the realization that I may have been harming myself in non-physical ways.
Things like self-indulgence or oppositely, depriving myself of things that I liked were faces of my depression I was aware of. No biggie. I ate the food I wanted or starved myself whenever I felt I wanted to punish myself. It’s a form of cutting without the blood.
Sorry for the imagery.
I even knew that oversleeping or my insomniac tendencies were signs of my depression but something like ‘laziness’ was something I never equated with my depression.
And honestly, during this time, I didn’t know that I was being lazy. At home, we were getting our floors done. I had relinquished my room to make way for large furniture to temporarily stay in. Plus I had to box my art stuff. It was necessary and thought I could simply take a break.
But I knew also that before that whole thing happened, I was already feeling off. I wasn’t working. I was sleeping more and more. I had difficulty getting up in the morning- finding a reason to be awake. (That’s always tough.)
My dreams were always pulling me in. And if you’ve read my first three Creating Art posts:
- how to continue making art even when consumed by fear
- my creative bank account is filled with millions of dreams
- when in doubt, ride it out
You’ll certainly know that I’ve been struggling with my inner self for some time.
Sleep feels like Heaven and that’s where I want to be.
That’s how I often feel when I go to bed and wake up. I always have to push myself to get up. If it’s not to meet a deadline, it’s because ‘man, my stomach’s been growling for two hours now, I should just get up’. Which then proceeds to be my thought for the next hour while lying on my bed.
It’s really toxic and bad for my health- both physical and mental.
For a while, I tried to balance this with exercising, which certainly helped. For a while… But I stopped exercising and I’ve been stuck in bed for hours on end trying to start my day only to realize that the day is about to end.
The thing though is, it’s not because I don’t want to work or to draw. I enjoy it. Whenever I can push myself to actually work, I become engrossed in my art that I forget about the world. My unconscious forgets whatever it is that it’s fearful of. It’s just me and my art.
How to recognize what seems to be invisible?
The toughest part about sabotaging yourself is that sometimes or actually oftentimes, we’re doing it without knowing we’re doing it.
It’s in our way of life.
One of my favorite quotes that I try to live by, ‘an unexamined life is a not worth living’ as said by Socrates.
I maintain this practice of deeply thinking about my life and the decisions I’ve made (as well as the ones I will be making). This then enables me to see things from a different light which then lets me see whether I’m hurting myself unintentionally.
In this case, I saw it.
To see the invisible is to know what is visible. Get to know yourself. What is normal? What is not? What feels off? What is usually there and what seems to be throwing that off? Asking yourself these sorts of questions helps organize what fits and doesn’t fit into the puzzle.
But how exactly do you stop it?
The wall of suck or self-sabotage doesn’t have one answer.
The problem has no one encompassing answer. As we are all different people, we will find that what led to a problem differs even if only mildly. Therefore, how we get to the answer will also be different. And the tactics at which we will solve our issues will vary as well.
What works for me may not work for you.
Though currently, I do not have a happy ending to this issue, I do have good news.
I’m integrating a new method in my life aside from cleaning.
I recommend you watch the video above if you haven’t already as I give helpful tips on how to handle being overwhelmed. Some cleaning is involved. LOL.
Basically, my new method is riding things out. Now you might say, ‘Roxanne, didn’t you write about that already?’ Why yes, yes I did.
But the rollercoaster dips and rises much quicker than before for me. What used to span a month or months now happen within a week. I will have good positive energy one week which I will pour into work and the next week, I’ll be so withdrawn, I can’t even laugh about it. This pattern has been going on for the past two months (December and January).
So what I’ve learned to do is cycle through things I like.
Say one week, I have the positive vibes. I will draw maybe two days of that week. Other days I will read, let my mind relax and not think. I will also engage in conversations online whereas often I will remain in my head. And even though I have all that good energy, I won’t use it all.
I try not to deplete myself.
Currently, it’s in a precarious stage. But with a bit of trial and error, I think I’ll find a more solid answer.
I think this is why it’s taken so long to write about this. I wanted to present the holy grail but I couldn’t find it. Thinking about it, I think my journey is worth more than the actual answer. And like I said, I’m sure we’ll all come up with our versions.
I hope in some way or form, this has been a helpful read for you.
I think for this new year, I’ll continue to learn about myself.
Happy Lunar New Year!
P.S. Listening to Georgiana, which was a saving grace to me at the beginning of my self-healing journey, is once again a great help during this time in my life. So here’s a piece I made with the main guy from LtoG, Sebastian (left). He’s not really the main guy but he is the love interest. hahaha The other guy is Ten-Yu (right) for the comic I’m working on.