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I need to be productive!
Productivity can be achieved in multiple different ways for me but no matter which way it is, it all still means “doing work.” When I don’t do any work, I feel it’s been a lazy day or useless even.
featured photo by jessica lewis @ Pexels
Yet, I can nap my days away.
Due to depression, I am often overcome with the need to nap. When days like this past Sunday occurs, I know then that I’m not mentally stable. I’m feeling tired in all three accounts: mental, emotional, and physical. Mentally, this means, I’m not processing anything anymore.
Basically, it’s having a blank mind or zoning out.
This can be a good thing if only I wasn’t also tired in other aspects of my life. Emotionally, I felt drained. It wasn’t that I am spreading myself thin. On the contrary, I feel I’m not doing enough. I just feel that there’s something I’m not fulfilling in my day-to-day. Lastly, my physical energy is simply shot due to my insomnia.
Though there’s not that much to do, this unhealthy zoning out and emotional emptiness stresses me out to the point I can’t sleep.
I am most likely thinking about too many things that none of it is registering.
What that really means is, too much is happening that I can’t keep up. My mind is running a million thoughts a second.
I have so many goals right now but it feels like I’m not moving forward with any of them and that’s also another reason why I feel this sort of “burnt out” feeling. My emotions are out of whack and even though I’m able to keep up with the schedule I’ve given myself, just something feels off that I can’t quite put my finger on.
I definitely have too much on my plate
It doesn’t feel that way and maybe that’s another reason for the unfathomable fatigue.
Truth be told, there’s also this emotional and mental weight I’m having from dealing with family. Like, I feel I need to get away and just not be around them. They are often draining to me. It’s easily explainable. They are causes for my depression, each in their own ways and it’s not something I can just cut off from my life like I’ve done with other things.
I don’t think family is an exception. I feel that if your family is a big cause for your depression, you should be able to talk about it to them and hopefully, they will be more considerate. If they choose not to, you should also have the choice to cut them out of your life. Anyone, as in anyone who causes you mental, emotional, or physical harm shouldn’t have the luxury of having you in their lives. Like a hypocrite though, family isn’t something I can just cut out.
First, I’m not in a financial position to do that and secondly, they’re also a staple in my life that does bring me good things other times. It’s not always negativity. It’s not always draining.
So, I’ll often choose to retreat into my own world and try to rejuvenate that way.
this doesn’t mean
I do really believe they are very inconsiderate more times than they are considerate. It can be extremely frustrating for someone like me who’s been preaching the same sh*t these past two and a half years. I’m like a broken record at this point. I can’t be understanding that they’re uneducated about mental illnesses, they really can’t use that anymore because it’s no longer true.
For one, they’ve admitted more than once they’ve been feeling depressed and pretty much similar things to me. So, I would think, okay, they’re aware and they’re open to the idea that there is such a thing because they wouldn’t admit they have it if they felt it wasn’t a real thing.
Secondly, they’ve told me multiple times they understand.
Let me stop right there though.
People will tell you what you want to hear to shut you up.
so they can shift the conversation to them.
That is probably the biggest problem I have.
No one is listening.
The most basic lesson in my novel Listening to Georgiana, I hope I am able to tell well, is listen and not just hear. It’s not about letting words enter one ear and out the other. It’s not about whether you can or cannot relate. YOU DON’T HAVE TO! All that is needed is for you to just set that skepticism aside and listen. Take in all the words and feel.
Be human enough to feel.
There’s nothing wrong with not understanding. Most of us don’t expect you to. We also don’t expect you to be speaking of your depression while expecting us to be completely understanding and listening to you while you refuse to let us speak about ours.
What is the point if you deliberately choose not to listen?
Being hellbent on being negative and trying to get someone else to feel that way is just very toxic and rude especially to someone who’s trying to manage theirs. I especially have no need to be told I need to do this because it’s good for them even though it’s bad for me.
It’s so firetrucking tiring to have to be mindful of their triggers and whatnots while they step all over me.
I am important to me.
I used to be a real pushover and I would let people do what they want even though I didn’t like it. Sometimes, I would do things for people despite it being something I was against doing. Or going to places that cause anxiety for me because they love to go there. Meanwhile, they can’t be bothered to register in their brains that these are things that cause stress, extreme anxiety, and it puts in a mood where I wish I could go back to self-harm.
Like, I hate it. I seriously hate being put in a position where I compromise my well-being for others. But I will do it especially for those who take me into consideration.
That said, I only really have a few names that aren’t considerate to me but I keep in my life.
The saddest part about this is all three of them show signs of depression, anxiety, eating disorder, and all that nasty stuff that I’ve gone through and am constantly having to check myself for.
What is the point of this post?
Returning to productivity, I am in constant need to be “working”. It can mean working on a piece, writing a blog post, or planning out my week (I don’t plan any further than that unless it’s for a hangout or something along those lines). I will also plan on homework that needs to be done before a certain date or an appointment.
It can also be sitting down and watching tv or YouTube video BUT it has to have value. Please, nothing stupid or where I feel like my brain cells are dying. It needs to be stimulating otherwise, I don’t see the point. EVEN COMEDY-CENTRIC SHOWS are stimulating when done correctly. Wit, satire, parody, etc. I would say slap-stick when done right is also stimulating. They just have to be done right.
And when I’m told to clear out my day for something important, I expect it to have some value and not me waiting half the day for that value to appear and then not appear at all.
Which is why, I finished an Elf painting, this post, planning out my week, and also drafting for my next video instead.
I need to add value to my day
And I think, it’s very important to do that when you have living disabilities like mental illnesses. Since I’ve semi-graduated from small steps, I am often looking for medium accomplishments to fill my day- to give it that bit of fulfillment.
Therefore, I need to be productive.
question. Should I talk about my social anxieties, anxieties in general, and eating disorder in depth? I don’t think I’ve ever really focused on those things just yet. I’m not too sure I can add value you to your day if I talk about it but I’d like to try.